boredom

It's interesting to watch myself as I make this transition from student to employed man. I have this vague sense of fear and anxiety about what comes next--fear that I will be discontented with my life now that I don't have something like school to pin my dissatisfaction on. I'm realizing that that is what I have been doing my whole life: it has always been looking forward to what comes next and explaining my stress in terms of my current situation, believing that I will be happier when I reach the next phase: graduating high school, going on a mission, getting home from a mission, getting to graduate school, and being done with school and free to make money and do what I want (okay maybe I never thought going on a mission would relieve stress). I guess the next phases I will anticipate will be getting married, having children, getting my children on to productive lives, and then retirement, and (dare I say it) death.

This transition is unique, though, in that it marks the first time that I am transitioning to something indefinite. A mission or school always has an end, and it's usually pretty clear when that will be, so it's very easy to look at your feelings and say "I am stressed and dissatisfied with my life because of school, and in a year when I am done with this program, I will be happier." In this case, I can't really do that, and so it forces me to confront my feelings in a new way and take control of my life in a dimension that, to this point, I haven't even been aware of. I am, at this point, having to confront the reality of where I am. I have no more excuses for dissatisfaction, so I either need to change my circumstance or change my attitude by realizing that it is my own choices that have brought me here. One or the other. No more procrastinating dealing with my own negative feelings.

I realize that in saying this, I may come across as an unhappy person, and this is not the case; I do, however, feel poignant boredom at times. The difference now is that I have no more excuses.

thank you

I feel overwhelmed today with feelings of gratitude and joy - not just because I passed, but because of what my education means to me. My mom and dad took me out to dinner to celebrate, and as I spoke with them, I couldn't help but recognize how fully I have been blessed - so much that I can't help but want to extend my blessings to other people who don't have as much just so it's not so unfair.

Thank you to anyone reading this blog who has ever been my friend and even shared an evening with me or offered me an encouraging word. I could not feel more grateful for the life I have been given - literally given - by God and by the people I have known. Thank you, all. I will try to pass it on.

Thesis

I submitted my final draft tonight. Interesting feeling to be in the library on a summer Friday night as I was stapling the copies. Calm and quiet. Reflecting on my time at BYU - how I have spent my opportunities there. I'll be honest, I wasted some good ones.

I learned too, though. A lot. I got exactly what I needed.

Now for the defense.

Parents

I attended my grandmother's funeral today and traveled to a small town in central Utah for her interment. Of all the precious moments, the most poignant for me was watching the love and kindness radiating from my mother's face as she spoke of her own mother. Seeing her as a child and feeling the love she feels for and from her mom somehow made me view my relationship to her and my dad differently. I couldn't help but consider the inevitable days when I will stand and pay my tribute to them and face the remainder of my life without them. I can't help but want them to know now how grateful I am for them and how much I love them. I feel moved to pay my tribute while they are still here so they can live the remainder of their lives and die with the knowledge that they are loved and that their efforts were not wasted and will not be forgotten. What else can you offer to the people who have already given you everything they have?

Thank you, Larry

Larry Miller, owner of the Utah Jazz and several other large Utah businesses died last night at the age of 64. In my opinion, he gave his life to Utah. I don't doubt that his failing and now failed health resulted from his working 18 hour days for most of his life. I would normally criticize that lack of balance, but in this case, I think it was out of a sense of responsibility that he worked that hard. He saw his businesses as his duty and his gift to the world, and he ran them exceptionally well rather than delegate his power to make a difference. As a result of his devotion, he has made an immeasurable impact on Utah's economy and on our quality of life as well as on Utah's national reputation in general. As a man, I can't help but be inspired by his example of hard work.

I honor Larry Miller as one of the best Utahn's of my generation.

New Story

I just had a story published on some developments.

Here's the link:

When Government Can't (or Won't) Protect You

Or the URL if that doesn't work:

http://utahstories.com/wasatch_pollution.html

Story

I recently had an article published. It's my first paid gig, so I'm excited!

Residential Zone Targeted for Coke Burning Plant