boredom

It's interesting to watch myself as I make this transition from student to employed man. I have this vague sense of fear and anxiety about what comes next--fear that I will be discontented with my life now that I don't have something like school to pin my dissatisfaction on. I'm realizing that that is what I have been doing my whole life: it has always been looking forward to what comes next and explaining my stress in terms of my current situation, believing that I will be happier when I reach the next phase: graduating high school, going on a mission, getting home from a mission, getting to graduate school, and being done with school and free to make money and do what I want (okay maybe I never thought going on a mission would relieve stress). I guess the next phases I will anticipate will be getting married, having children, getting my children on to productive lives, and then retirement, and (dare I say it) death.

This transition is unique, though, in that it marks the first time that I am transitioning to something indefinite. A mission or school always has an end, and it's usually pretty clear when that will be, so it's very easy to look at your feelings and say "I am stressed and dissatisfied with my life because of school, and in a year when I am done with this program, I will be happier." In this case, I can't really do that, and so it forces me to confront my feelings in a new way and take control of my life in a dimension that, to this point, I haven't even been aware of. I am, at this point, having to confront the reality of where I am. I have no more excuses for dissatisfaction, so I either need to change my circumstance or change my attitude by realizing that it is my own choices that have brought me here. One or the other. No more procrastinating dealing with my own negative feelings.

I realize that in saying this, I may come across as an unhappy person, and this is not the case; I do, however, feel poignant boredom at times. The difference now is that I have no more excuses.